December is special month for the board. Not just because of the holidays. Not just because it is yet another month that we can remind ourselves how great we are. It is the annual anniversary of the passing of our dear friend and fellow board member, Gorny Hoat. That December night in 2009 was cold. No goat wants to be mauled to death by a pair of nympho dogs, but it was a fate that Gorny could not dodge. With his torso gaping open and his stuffing strewn all over back patio, he succumbed. We all remember his last request as he drew his final breath: “make Stevens bury me….and then give me a proper burial.”
I remember the first time I met Gorny. It was a glorious February morning in the great city of Edinburg Texas. I was particularly excited this morning because of our plans to visit the local hot spot Fast Eddie’s. As I began to warm up the shower and strip down, I heard a deep, eerie laugh coming from the other side of the door. I immediately opened the door and found it was only Elder Hansen, laughing as he flung our pet monkey Kyle across the room. I was relieved. I went back into the bathroom and entered the shower. I had a strange feeling that I was being watched. Turns out that I was. Gorny was hiding in the bathroom’s heating duct, video taping me as I showered. And he liked what he saw. When Baker told me a “Gorny Hoat is going to get you!!” a few weeks earlier, I didn’t quite understand what he meant. This moment made it all come together. This was only the beginning.
Gorny, for very apparent reasons, was not a member of the church. He was a volatile ill-tempered goat that spent the majority of his time spying on others. He enjoyed the company of floosy women and carnies. I remember spending more than several nights searching for him at local bars late at night, only to find that he had pooped pellets everywhere and passed out in his own vomit. He lived a life only second to Charlie Sheen, and he did it with style.
I recently decided that I wanted to bring Gorny to peace by performing his temple work. I logged onto the church website and began to search his ancestry. It was quite difficult, considering he is a goat and all. When I finally came across his family tree, I discovered something extrodinary. Someone had recently accessed this very same ancestry line. But who?? Gorny had any known relatives, let alone any that were members of the church. My fingers began to tickle the keyboard with excitement. What I came across next almost put me in shock. Gorny had a wife, Gexy Soat. Their marriage took place in a barn in Harlingen, TX. They were together for a few short months. Gorny promised to shed his party lifestyle upon marriage vows but it didn’t happen. Gexy mozied north to Raymondville and was never seen again. Here is the real shocker though- she gave birth to a son- Gorny’s son- only just a few months after leaving Gorny. The name of his son, you ask? Gandy Roat. It was Gandy who had been doing research online, trying to get to find out more about his father and his heritage.
I have spent six months trying to locate Gandy but to no avail. He was last seen boarding a ship in Long Beach, CA. This ship was apparently headed towards Oahu?? He knows his family is gone, but he is looking for he adopted family- the Boarde. I believe Gandy will find us, and he will find us soon. And the reunion will be glorious.
